Score Card – Progress Iraq: -0 Remember the Iraq Study Group Report presented to the world December 6th? Since then, while W fiddles and Baghdad burns, countless Iraqis and Americans have been killed; American oil companies earned another $1.8 billion; 210,000 Iraqis who can afford the price have emigrated.

Iraq 101 – Some Questions When W “wins,” what will the terrorists do? Will they lay down their arms and say, “Good job, well done America, you win.” Will they stop killing each other because they know America “won” fair and square? When W “wins,” where will the terrorists go? Will they remain in Iraq and return to their jobs as janitors and teachers and lawyers? Are Bush and Cheney unwitting or even willing pawns of Saudi Arabia? Did the Saudis convince Bush that Saddam was a threat to Saudi oil? Did Bush go too far by removing the Sunnis from power? Is that why the Saudis, also Sunni Muslims, read the riot act to Cheney last week? Is that why the Saudis told America that they would back the Sunnis if America pulled out? Do McCain and Lieberman and other neocon war hawks seriously believe that Americans are going to support more troops for this war that started as a huge lie and continues as a lie so huge that if Bush were Pinocchio his nose would reach from Washington to Baghdad?

Yanqi, Si; With the cost of the Iraq war at $350 billion and increasing about $100,000 a minute, it seems odd that Homeland Security Department, citing lack of funds, is abandoning its face and fingerprint program for making sure visitors leave the US when they’re supposed to. Isn’t ‘people overstaying their welcome’ how this madness got started?

Meanwhile, Back at OPEC, it’s nice to know our ‘friends’ in the Middle East are reducing production to keep the price of oil from falling. I mean, haven’t they got enough of our money already?

And in case you were worried about the investment banks, Goldman Sachs racked up $35 billion in profits, which means a few $50 million bonuses for the rainmakers. Let’s see, with the Federal Minimum wage @ $5.15 per hour, it will take some poor working stiff 4,667 ½ years to make $50 million. If you make slightly more than the minimum wage, say a paltry quarter million per annum, you will have to work a mere 200 years.

Oh Crap! Peter Boyle, 1935-2006

Corporate/Government Crooks Update 1. Could the Interior Department’s Mineral Management Service be the next Enron-sized scandal? As of now, we have the Justice Department’s Public Integrity Section, which examines suspected criminal violations by federal employees, and the inspector general with the help of the FBI, looking into ineptitude, conflicts of interest and auditing oil and gas royalty payments. We’re talking billions baby, billions that we the people have to pay because the oil and gas companies, the ones making record profits off our backs, are screwing Uncle Sam, probably with Uncle Sam’s help.

That’s all for this week, my friends. Stay alert; don’t get uh, twisted!

Score Card – Progress Iraq: 0. Too many words, no action. No leadership from Bush. No leadership from Democrats. This mess remains stuck in neutral. Who has the guts to stand up and say, “That’s it! It’s over. We’re coming home.”

Google Time Warner? With its stock through the roof at $500 plus and the 14th largest market cap of all corporations in the U.S., it’s time for Google to buy a major corporation. Can a Google Time Warner be far away?

Darth Dick & The King: In less time than it takes to shoot off his friend’s face, Cheney bops off to Saudi Arabia for afternoon tea with fellow oil mogul, King Abdullah, to figure out how to not loose the war in Iraq: read keep the Iranians and Syrians the hell out of Baghdad. Also read: if Halliburton’s stock tanks as a result of taking a big hit in Iraq, DD’s pension plan will be in the toilet.

Benedict 16. Pope Benny’s trip to Turkey this week is not a battle of Christianity versus Islam; that would be George W. Christ’s misguided mission. Pope Benny merely wants to recapture Orthodox Catholics that have been separated from mother church for a millennium or so. The Muslims, however, fear Benny might also try to reclaim hallowed Muslim ground for Catholicism and are making a lot of noise because of this and a few Muhammad nasties Benny let fly back in IX/MMVI.

Hermitage vs. Gazprom No contest. The Kremlin’s Gazprom wins. Gazrpom, Russia’s oil monopoly and fourth largest company in the world with a market capitalization of $250 billion, wants to build a string of palaces, er, office buildings, in St. Petersburg that will be three times higher than The Hermitage, the home of Russia’s last monarch. St. Petersburg has a zoning law capping all buildings at 157 feet. Nyet problemas, says Gazprom, we’ll change the bylaw. Can you imagine living is a society with a cavalier government and its agencies displaying such a callous disregard for established rules and regulations?

PC, MAC, or Antikythera? Scientists are restudying some seriously gunked up gears, cog wheels, and related pins and pieces discovered a hundred years ago by archaeologists poking around in a sunken Roman ship. There is an accepted hypothesis that these cogs wheels, gears, and pins housed in a rectangular wooden frame with two doors covered in instructions for its use, known as the Antikythera Mechanism, constitute a computer-like device constructed as early as 100-150 BC and used by the Greeks and Romans to display astronomical cycles, planetary info and as a nautical device. An operating manual and toll-free number have not been found.

Civil War? If the last American soldier left Iraq on Friday and civil war broke out on Saturday, would we send our troops barreling back to Baghdad? Do those dying in Iraq care what the punditss decide to call their war? Civil War: oxymoronic or moronic?

Paulson Poison! Under the guise of improving their international competitive position, Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson, Jr. wants to rewrite rules protecting American companies from lawsuits and a host of other evils stacked upon their brittle bones by wicked consumers, i.e., we the people, by creating an impenetrable legal curtain behind which companies can hide. Example: Besides doing cost-benefit studies before adopting new rules, the SEC would have to shield corporate directors from investor lawsuits. If Paulson is really interested in the competitive position of American companies, he might start by taking a hard look at executive pay run amok.

The Finger! Bad enough they want to empty our wallets, now they’re reaching up and taking it right out of our butts. Urologists, the rubber finger people, have a new treatment called I.M.R.T. for intensity modulated radiation therapy that, while effective, may be more profit driven than treatment driven; at upwards of $50,000, I.M.R.T. costs several times more than currently existing treatments.

Polish Joke, er, Fact! Polonium 210, the radioactive chemical element that killed former Russian KGB spy Alexander Litvinenk and sits at the center of a growing international scandal, was discovered in pitchblende in 1898 by Marie Curie and named for her native country, Poland. Just so you know, there is also polonium 208 and 209.

2008 Presidential Election Handicap * Ranking Name Party 6 Obama, Barack – Senator, Illinois D 5 Clinton , Hillary Rodham – Senator, New York D 4 Edwards, John – Senator, North Carolina D 4 McCain, John - Senator, Arizona R 4 Romney, Mitt - Former Governor, Massachusetts R 3 Biden, Joe – Senator, Pennsylvania D 3 Richardson, Bill – Governor, New Mexico D 2 Brownback, Sam – Senator, Kansas R 2 Gingrich, Newt - Former House Speaker, Georgia R 2 Giuliani, Rudy - Former NYC Mayor R 2 Rice, Condoleeza - Secretary of State R 2 Thompson, Tommy – Former Governor, Wisconsin R 2 Vilsack, Tom – Governor, Iowa D 1 Frist, Bill – Senator, Tennessee R 1 Hunter, Duncan - Representative, California R 1 Pataki, George – Governor, New York R * Based on Extra Wry’s scale and opinions, which change moment by moment. 1 Delusional; 2 Dreaming; 3 Teasing; 4 Embracing;5 Heavy Breathing; 6 Touching; 7 Petting; 8 Tasting tongue; 9 Groaning; 10 Yes! Yes! Yes!

That’s all for this week, my friends. Stay alert; don’t get uh, twisted!