Score Card – Progress Iraq: 0. While Iraq burns, George fiddles. He’s not alone. All of Washington fiddles. This week we were blessed with the much awaited Iraq Report. So what? Will anything change? King George and Prince Tony continue to stand before us beating their chests. Congressmen and women and Senators scratch their heads and talk, talk, talk. Where is the urgency to get out of this mess? It’s Iraq’s war; let them at it, and don’t insult our intelligence with this strategic interest crap. The entire Middle East is strategic for one reason: OIL, and no one is accusing the Arabs of being stupid; they aren’t going to stop selling the stuff. So, I repeat: Who has the guts to stand up and say, “That’s it! It’s over. We’re coming home.” Each day countless Iraqis and Americans loose life and limb. Each day American oil companies earn another $200 million. Each day 30,000 Iraqis who can afford the price leave, over 2 million to date. Now, today, it’s time for American soldiers to leave.

Fewer Rules, More Bars! Republicans heading into the sunset of oblivion are scurrying around trying to satisfy chits by passing legislation easing a bucket full of rules legislated post Enron’s collapse that govern American corporations. It’s not the rules, dummy; any corporation with smart lawyers can dance around rules. It’s the punishment! Cheat or defraud or lie, jail for ten years (not negotiable) plus one additional year for each $10 million pocketed after coughing up every cent of ill-gotten gains.

So This Radioactive Spy Goes Into a Bar... As Polonium poisoned radioactive former Russian spy Litvinenko is laid to rest in a specially sealed coffin in a forest-like area of London’s Highgate Cemetery, seven bartenders at the Pine Bar of the Mayfair Hotel on Grosvenor Square, the same bar where Litvinenko met two Russian colleagues (at least one of whom is now also ill from radioactive poisoning) immediately before falling ill, have tested positive for radioactive contamination. Two hundred and fifty Pine Bar customers are also being called in for testing...honey, I wasn’t there, honest; I think I have a touch of the flu.

Lay A Bomb! Homeland Security to spend $60 million to examine container ships from Pakistan, Honduras, and South Hampton England, for nuclear weapons. Three questions: First, aren’t these countries allies? Second, only three ports? Third, container ships; what about all the rest, like tankers from the Middle East?

Rumsfeld Rumination Hip, hip, hooray, Dastardly Don is gone. Alas, the criminal war in Iraq goes on and on and on; and alas, King George is still president; and alas, Darth Dick remains vice president; and alas, we the people aren’t clamoring for justice, YET.

Allium E.Colli? That’s bad onions to you baby, the ones doled out at Taco Bells that are wreaking havoc with the stomachs of a hundred or so patrons largely in the Northeastern States. In a safety move, Taco Bell has yanked these tasty but dangerous offenders from all 5,800 US outlets. Bad time to own YUM stock; bad time to be a Taco Bell franchisee; bad time to have eaten Taco Bell alliums.

Corporate Crook Update Kirk Shelton, former Cendant Corporation vice chairman, appealing his $3 billion accounting scandal conviction sending him to the slammer for a paltry ten years and an order to repay $3.27 billion at $2,000 per month (136,350 years, sans interest, if anyone is counting) has been confined to his home other than to visit his lawyers and psychiatrist. Question: Can’t they visit him? I’ll bet he pays them a lot more than $2,000 per month.

That’s all for this week, my friends. Stay alert; don’t get uh, twisted!