Houston, We Have A Problem. I’m saddened by Lisa Nowak’s problems and hope something positive can emerge from beneath the tawdry layers of paint the media has poured and dripped all over this story to a degree that would make Jackson Pollock blanch.

And God Created Heterosexual Man! Ted Haggard, fired three months ago in Colorado Springs as pastor of New Life Church for having a relationship with a male prostitute and lying about it, says he is now completely heterosexual. He doesn’t say he is now completely truthful. It seems his church isn’t in a forgiving mood, however, since it’s not inviting him back. Ted and his wife are slated to leave town and not reenter the ministry.

No Free Lunch At Home Depot? As a symbol of his cost-cutting, non imperialistic style of management, HD’s new ceo Blake has told senior execs that the free catered lunch on the 22nd floor sanctioned by deposed ceo Nardelli has gone the way of the aardvark. Blake probably said something like, “Spend your own damn dime; go downstairs and eat in the company cafeteria.” Nardelli took several hundred million in severance pay when he left so, at least for him, buying lunch won’t be a problem.

Gored! I’ve not been impressed with the Hillary shuffle this week, slipping and sliding on the political brown stuff she continues to think we want to hear, and for me, Edwards doesn’t have a position he won't abandon. And Obama didn’t really need to say, “…I stand before you today to announce my candidacy for President of the United States...” I could see he was standing, but even if I couldn’t I’m certain I wouldn’t have cared. Maybe it’s time to dust of the man who used to be the next president, the man who may win a Nobel Prize, the man who may win an Oscar, the man who may also learn how to run a dynamic campaign.

Left, Right, Left Right If you think the Dems have a problem finding a standout candidate, the Reps have an even bigger one with their current poll leader. ‘Left Rudy,’ the once gay marriage , gun control, and abortions rights mayor, is going to have to do the Big Apple two-step and turn himself into ‘Right Rudy’ if he hopes to get the Christian coalition to come to his dance.

Score Card – Progress Iraq It ain’t getting better. BRING OUR TROOPS HOME. CONTINUING THIS WAR IS THE DISASTER.

A.N.S. Love her or not, a piece of all of us died with Anna Nicole. I hope she can now frolic in peace, and I hope her daughter finds good parents.

By Hook Or By Crook. Conrad Black (Lord Black to those who give a hoot), with a spring date in a Chicago court on charges of criminal fraud and money laundering, is going to be promoting his new biography of Richard M. Nixon. Perhaps Blackie will find a use for Nixon’s infamous line, “Well, I am not a crook.”

9,000% Pay Increase? No, not a fiction. That’s what striking doctors and nurses in Zimbabwe are demanding. Others there are also seeking huge pay increases to combat inflation running at an annualized rate of nearly 1,300% in this country’s rapidly increasing downward spiral. For the number challenged, if your housing costs are $36,000 per year on January 1st and inflation for the ensuing year is 1,300%, your annual housing costs on December 31st would be $432,000.

Where’s George? Is this going to be the new Washington parlor game for the remaining 22 months and 21 days of this presidency?

Business Friendly? Test: remove the extraneous words from the following headline (hint: they’re the one in single quotes): Fox to Begin a ‘More Business Friendly’ News Channel. Has anyone ever suspected Rupert Murdoch of being anything else?

Great opening lines often cast a huge shadow of mediocrity on all that follows. Therefore, I shall try desperately to confine all of my mediocrity to my opening lines... W. Allan McLeod, March 1998