In the horse shit department, the US Chamber of Commerce, that august group with nothing but shareholders’ best interests in mind, says that quelling insider trading is a threat to a ‘free, robust, orderly and democratic society.’ Watch where you step.
During July 2000, HealthSouth financial executive William Owens met Richard Scrushy in the middle of a lake in southeastern Alabama to discuss the company’s worsening cash crisis. It seems the only thing that wasn’t sinking was the boat.
In another chapter of the HealthSouth saga, former president and chief operating officer James Bennett was charged in a 39-count indictment. His lawyers’ response (what else): Bennett “was not involved in any form or fashion…” Now we know the government doesn’t always get it right and maybe Bennett is innocent (pause here for skepticism), but just once I’d like to see one of these overpaid crooks stand up and say, “I’m sorry, I did it.” I guess that story that will start, ‘Once upon a time in America…’
In the oxymoron department, the International Luge Federation wants a ‘safe luge’ track and has called off test events for the 2006 Turin Olympics. What did I miss? Isn’t death the whole idea of luge?
Social Security isn’t difficult. It’s like your bank account. If it’s running out of money, either more has to go in or less has to come out, and it doesn’t matter how much bullshit the government of the rich, by the rich, for the rich throws in the air.
Kenny Lay, W’s one-time good friend and former chairman of Enron, said in March 2001 that market manipulation claims against Enron were conspiracy theories. Well guess what? Want to hear a January 2001 taped conversation between an Enron trader and a Las Vegas energy official agreeing to a power plant shutdown for an afternoon of peak energy demand in California? Of course you do.
“This is going to be a word-of-mouth kind of thing,” Enron employee says. “We want you guys to get a little creative and come up with a reason to go down.”
“OK, so we’re just coming down for some maintenance, like a forced outage type of thing?” the Las Vegas official asks. “And that’s cool?”
“Hopefully.”
Both men laugh.
And Californians sat in the dark and sweated and their electrical bills went through the roof. Thanks Kenny.

The former controller of WorldCom testified that he never knew chief executive Bernie Ebbers to make an accounting decision. You have to wonder if anyone at WorldCom, the largest bankruptcy in US history, ever made an accounting decision.
Dennis Kozolowski, former CEO of Tyco, currently being retried for grand larceny, securities fraud, falsifying business records, and other assorted misdeeds, lived in a thirty-million-dollar apartment bought with Tyco’s money and then had it lavishly furnished, also with Tyco money. Originally, he said it was his apartment, but it seems it’s turned up the company books as an asset. Now he says he bought it for Tyco.
Quick, who knows what SBC stands for? Time’s up. Quick, who knows what AT&T stands for? Time’s up. And the guys at SBC who spent sixteen-billion of shareholder money can’t decide what to call the merged company?
Should shareholders be worried that Disney attributes part of its first quarter earnings recovery to Desperate Housewives and Lost? Having ‘desperate’ and ‘lost’ anywhere near a financial report is a bad idea.
So bread is fighting back. It’s had enough. No more being bullied by healthy foods. Watch for a spate of ads from the behemoth grain industry that say bread prevents cataracts, makes your brain function properly, makes life better, is essential. Why don’t they stop dancing around with the truth and just say it tastes better than all the healthy crap out there? If that doesn’t work, they can bring out the capital B Bible and point to the part that says, ‘Give us this day, our daily bread?’
Is anyone who has .msn or .aol email surprised that the federal government’s one-year-old anti-spam law, the 'Can Spam Act,' has resulted in an increase in spam of from 20% to 30%? Instead of eliminating the problem, it spells out how the spammers can operate within the law, which I guess includes five hundred ways to spell ‘longer penis.’ Good name though, for the act I mean, not for penis although come to think of it, longer penis has a good ring to it.

The New York Times crossword puzzle today reminded me that Enron, that icon of American corporate morality and fiscal responsibility—where self-enrichment fraud cost innocent employees, not so innocent creditors, and misled shareholders ten plus billions—had a sixty-four page ‘Code of Ethics.’ And we used to think the ₤75,000 International Impac Dublin Literary Award was the richest fiction prize.
Executive crooks at HealthSouth, a paltry $2.7 billion fraud, told the court that the catch phrase for earnings overstatements was ‘dirt,’ referring to 1997’s overstatement as ‘$400 million worth of dirt.’ That ain’t dirt baby.
Did you smell it? Last month, ten former WorldCom directors agreed to pay $18 million from their own pockets—AWW, FROM THEIR OWN POCKETS—to investors who lost money in WorldCom’s failure. Doesn’t it make you warm and tingly all over knowing such goodness exists in American business? Wait a minute. What’s this fine print? The $18 million caps your liability, shifting future claims to others? Peeeuuuuw!
Youngster Bob Schieffer, 68, will take over from Dan Rather (73) on March 9th, when CBS has its ‘get the hell out of our newsroom’ party for the ridiculed Rather. Sumner Redstone, Owner of Viacom, 83, wanted someone older but Mike Wallace, 86, Morley Safer, 73, and Andy Rooney, 100 and something, were busy with Sixty Minutes and AARP for Seniors.
Ever hear of tight end Jeff Thomasen? OK, so who hasn’t? He’s the guy who chucks his hard hat for a helmet to play for injured Eagle, Chad Lewis. Big deal! So he gets to play in the Super Bowl. But, what about Go Daddy? Or Cosentino? Or Career Builder? Or Emerald Nuts. They’re the real stars. They’ll be vying, alongside well known veterans like beer, cars, junk food, and the legal usury folks, a.k.a. credit cards, for top prize in the $4.8 million a minute Ad Bowl. Now that’s a game, but I will miss JJ.
Here’s one you don’t see every day: Tyco’s board gave its finance chief a $50 million severance package weeks after learning he’d stole four bonuses from the company. Was there a secret codicil attached to Exodus 20:15?

Happy Groundhog Day!
The Gobbler’s Knob famous rodent, euphemistically known as Punxsutawney Phil, saw his shadow today—button down for six more weeks of winter. Capital Hill’s famous rodent, euphemistically known as Alan Greenspan, didn’t see his shadow today—button down for higher interest rates. Bill Murray wasn’t seen at all.
Groundhog Central lists thirty-three weather-predicting rodents, twenty-seven in the US, five in Canada, one in Germany; one mule…in Oxford, MI; and one chicken…in Vancouver BC. Six groundhogs saw their shadow, ten didn’t, and nineteen didn’t know what they saw. Alas, the mule got kicked into the unknown column—I had hoped for something more. The chicken clucked, but didn’t see its shadow. Twelve groundhogs don’t have pictures so their existence is suspect, one is stuffed, and one looks like a bad painting. Apologies to rodents and stand-ins that have chosen to boycott Groundhog Central.
Pennsylvania’s Groundhog Day originated February 2nd, 1886. The State of the Union Address in its current form dates back to 1913. President Bush’s speech tonight has been officially projected to run forty minutes, BEFORE APPLAUSE. Pray for a shadow. Kick this rodent back into his hole!
And speaking of hogs, Richard Scrushy, former head of Health South charged with directing a $2.7 billion fraud, wins the blue ribbon. It seems no trough was too big for this guy.
Al Sharpton, having stumbled on his way to the White House, is now taking his march to the Red and White House. He’s joined forces with Ingrid Newkirk, president of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), to boycott Kentucky Fried Chicken for buying chickens from places that provide cramped cells, that give them too much food too fast, and that don’t put them to sleep before whacking them. Maybe they can take on the federal prison system next.
A new government commercial is coming to a theater near you. The fifty states, DC, PR and the VI got $27 million from a Ford SUV lawsuit. So what have they done? They’ve used the money to create an eponymic hairy beast, Esuvee, an in-theater ad campaign that’s supposed to convince teenage boys that SUV’s are dangerous. What a marvelous idea—just what a teenage boy doesn’t want: a big, hairy, dangerous vehicle.