Happy Groundhog Day!
The Gobbler’s Knob famous rodent, euphemistically known as Punxsutawney Phil, saw his shadow today—button down for six more weeks of winter. Capital Hill’s famous rodent, euphemistically known as Alan Greenspan, didn’t see his shadow today—button down for higher interest rates. Bill Murray wasn’t seen at all.
Groundhog Central lists thirty-three weather-predicting rodents, twenty-seven in the US, five in Canada, one in Germany; one mule…in Oxford, MI; and one chicken…in Vancouver BC. Six groundhogs saw their shadow, ten didn’t, and nineteen didn’t know what they saw. Alas, the mule got kicked into the unknown column—I had hoped for something more. The chicken clucked, but didn’t see its shadow. Twelve groundhogs don’t have pictures so their existence is suspect, one is stuffed, and one looks like a bad painting. Apologies to rodents and stand-ins that have chosen to boycott Groundhog Central.
Pennsylvania’s Groundhog Day originated February 2nd, 1886. The State of the Union Address in its current form dates back to 1913. President Bush’s speech tonight has been officially projected to run forty minutes, BEFORE APPLAUSE. Pray for a shadow. Kick this rodent back into his hole!
And speaking of hogs, Richard Scrushy, former head of Health South charged with directing a $2.7 billion fraud, wins the blue ribbon. It seems no trough was too big for this guy.
Al Sharpton, having stumbled on his way to the White House, is now taking his march to the Red and White House. He’s joined forces with Ingrid Newkirk, president of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), to boycott Kentucky Fried Chicken for buying chickens from places that provide cramped cells, that give them too much food too fast, and that don’t put them to sleep before whacking them. Maybe they can take on the federal prison system next.
A new government commercial is coming to a theater near you. The fifty states, DC, PR and the VI got $27 million from a Ford SUV lawsuit. So what have they done? They’ve used the money to create an eponymic hairy beast, Esuvee, an in-theater ad campaign that’s supposed to convince teenage boys that SUV’s are dangerous. What a marvelous idea—just what a teenage boy doesn’t want: a big, hairy, dangerous vehicle.