Happy Schwartzman to You Steven Schwartzman, founder of Blackstone Partners, an early and hugely successful player in the LBO game, is giving himself a sixtieth birthday party in the Park Avenue Armory, the only place in the city capable of holding the 1,500 close friends he’s invited. Rumor: Rod Stewart, who charges a million or so for private parties, is the surprise entertainment. As far as invited guests, we don’t know who’s going, but we do no some of those who are not. Condoleezza Rice, Edward Kennedy, Colin Powell, and Henry Paulson declined. Henry Kravis, long considered the buyout and art patron king whose crown Schwartzman covets, wasn’t invited. Most everyone else who is stunningly famous or stunningly rich received an invitation.

Any Lobbyists? Pfizer is cutting 7,800 people on top of the 2,200 sales reps previously axed. How much do you want to bet it hasn’t reduced the number of lobbyists slipping free Viagra to our lawmakers.

Score Card – Progress Iraq This is depressing. 22,000 more troops. Come on George, stop jerking us around. Tell the truth. We won’t leave Iraq or the Middle East until Exxon and its sisters tell you it’s OK. And Richard the lyin’ hearted this week exceeded even his own heretofore unbridled hubris by stating flat out that it didn’t matter what Congress of The Senate said or did, more troops were going in. (Note to Richard: YES, IT DOES MATTER. And the Democrats should be hoisted on the petard of their own indecision. Not one Democrat has the cojones to demand immediate and total withdrawal. BRING OUR TROOPS HOME. CONTINUING THIS WAR IS THE ONLY DISASTER.

Too Depressing! A medical device with the galactic sounding name of Neurostar TMS designed to reduce depression doesn’t work. There oughta be a law.

Tortured Canadian Appeased? The Canadian government apologized to Maher Arar, a Canadian citizen wrongly detained by American officials and deported to Syria where he was jailed and tortured for ten months, and paid him $9.75 million as compensation. Like a true Canadian, Arer said he valued the apology more than the money. As far as the United States is concerned, it continues to keep Arer on its terrorist watch list and refuses to allow him into the country.

Still Irked Bob Ney, ex congressman from Ohio is off to prison for thirty months for selling his office to black Jack Abramhoff, the crook lobbyist, BUT HE WILL GET HIS PENSION. Let’s see how this works: get elected, get drunk and party and take bribes, get caught, go to prison, draw a pension.

Passport Poop United States, Canadian, and some Caribbean citizens now need a passport to get into or return to the United States. Mexicans can continue to sneak across the border. The rules for terrorists haven’t been spelled out.

What’s Wrong With This Statement? The Justice Department has issued subpoenas to at least four Wall Street investment banks as part of a widening investigation into the multi-billion-dollar online gambling industry. Isn’t Wall Street the biggest poker game in town?

It’s My Insula So you quit smoking 25 years ago and still have the craving, blame your insula, a tiny part of your brain (isn’t it always) that scientists now believe is responsible for certain addictive traits. Before you flush the nicotine gum and patches, though, what they haven’t figured out is how to make adjustments short of a peen to the bean.

No Money Honey Funny Stuff Any attempt to suggest Maria Bartiromo, one of the finest financial reporters on TV, is in bed with CitiCorp or any other company that she covers is absurd. What possible difference can it make if she accepts an occasional, completely above-board lift home on a private jet, other than she might find out something juicy that we want to know? She would tell us, wouldn’t she?

Libby Lobs Betrayal Bomb Are attorneys for Lewis I. Libby, Darth Dick’s former chief of staff, suggesting that this administration is going to let Libby take the fall to protect Carl Rove, Prince George’s political advisor? Betrayal and untruths by this administration, hard to believe. And remind me again why Carl Rove is important?

Rams Ramming Rams Scientists have been trying to figure out why some rams prefer rams and what makes them that way. I could have had them call my Scottish ancestors for their answer, but hey, I’m still wondering where virgin wool comes from.

That’s all for this week, my friends. Do what you can to stop the war.!

Don’t Fence Me In Rather than build a fence along the US/Mexico border (a really dumb idea) why not build a fence around Washington, DC?

Bank Robbers Now it seems the Pentagon and CIA, in addition to the FBI, are secretly taking ‘suspicious’ citizens’ bank records and storing them in a giant, anti-terrorist data base. So much for the ‘liberty’ part.

Score Card – Progress Iraq Lieberman (IND - CT) says the Middle East will implode if the US leaves Iraq before Iraq is stabilized, and that would be a disaster. True, but it is not our disaster, it is theirs. To suggest otherwise is to suggest they aren’t capable of reaching independent decisions. And to suggest the terrorists will follow us home is nothing more than an attempt to incite irrational fear and suggest our military incapable of defending its homeland. This administration seems hell bent for election to have us believe that troop withdrawal from Iraq is somehow a military defeat. It is an administration defeat. Our military has won its war.

100 Hours? Wouldn’t it have been really great if the Democrats 100 hour clock contained the same hours as our Iraqi troop’s clock? Wouldn’t it have been really great if the Democrats ended the war within their first 100 hours? Wouldn’t it have been really great if the Democrats hadn’t stopped making us believe they were going to make a difference within their first 100 hours?

XXX Pentagon vs ABA Charles D. Stimson, the deputy assistant secretary of defense for detainee affairs, said in an interview this week that he was dismayed that lawyers at many of the nation’s top firms were representing prisoners at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba, and that the firms’ corporate clients should consider ending their business ties. The legal community, as well they should have, let out an uproar. Shame on Stimson for this treacherous disregard of American values; he should be fired. Write your representative http://www.house.gov/house/MemberWWW.shtml and senator http://www.senate.gov/ and express your outrage.

That’s all for this week, my friends. God speed and safe home for ALL troops!

Bank It Like Beckham Soccer phenom, David Beckham, is off to La La Land where he will play for the Los Angeles Galaxy for five years and be paid $250 million. Also looking forward to the bright lights of Hollywood is Posh Spice of Spice Girls fame, aka Victoria Beckham. Look to see and wear and hear a lot of David and Victoria, touted as the new Hollywood Power Couple.

ET, iPhone Home Apple’s Steve Jobs this week blessed the world with iPhone. Jobs is the world’s greatest pitchman, but can he pitch this $500 baby to the millions of iPodders he’s made believe he daily hangs the moon. Me, I still like the telePhone.

Score Card – Progress Iraq:.More troops. Bush calls it a surge. Iraqis call it an intrusion. Bush says America will face a disaster without victory. How does he define disaster? What is his definition of victory? Here are a couple of ideas: Disaster – each day America stays in Iraq; Victory – the day all American troops come home. These definitions belong in all Iraqi and American minds and dictionaries.

100 Hours: Alas, Democrats have shown nothing in the first 100 hours unless it is that they will continue to disappoint. They have no Iraq policy; they won’t make retroactive rescission of benefits paid to former cronies found guilty of felons, and they don’t know how to tell time. Kudos though for approving a minimum wage increase to $7.25 per hour even though phased in over two years. Now it goes to the Senate where it will likely have a phalanx of tax breaks attached so businesses can afford to pay their new high-priced help. Say what you like; this is getting out of hand; it’s only been ten years since the last minimum wage increase pushed the greed of these people to the whopping sum of $5.15 per hour, or an astounding $10,300 per year.

Fly Me, I’m Solvent No standing ovations yet, but the airlines are leaving the funeral homes, pushing back the gray clouds of doom, and beginning to see blue skies and sunshine. Ah, but will we ever again get the good pretzels?

Apres Ski She, Nyet! Russian billionaire, Mikhail Prokhorov, with personal wealth of $6.4 billion and considered one of Russia’s most eligible bachelors (with $6.4 billion I think he could be considered one of the world’s most eligible) was detained in the French Alps, at an upscale ski resort used by rich and powerful Russians, for offering more than chalets supplied with such mundane creature comforts like spas, private pools, and steam baths. Oooh, those Russian massages. Prokhorov denies pimping. Sour grapes in the Politburo?

Are Jong and Ahmadinejad Pissed? Are North Korea and Iran leaders refusing to meet with Bush and proposing UN sanctions against the US for wanting to test a nuclear bomb in Nevada.

No Smoking! After Democrats banned smoking inside the House. speaker, Nancy Pelosi, declared ,“The days of smoke-filled rooms in the United States Capitol are over.” Now if they could only find a way to dispel the gas.

2008 Presidential Election Handicap * DECLARED CANDIDATES – DECLARATION DATE ORDER Ranking Name Party 2 Dodd, Christopher - Democratic member of the U.S. Senate – declared 1/11/07 on Imus in the Morning.” D 3 Edwards, John – Former Senator, North Carolina, and VP candidate– declared 12/27/06 in New Orleans, LA D 2 Kucinich, Dennis John - Democratic member of the U. S. House of Representatives – declared 12/12/06 in Cleveland D 2 Vilsack, Tom – Governor, Iowa – declared 11/30/06 in Mount Pleasant, IA D 2 Hunter, Duncan - Republican member of the U. S. House of Representatives – declared 10/30/06 in San Diego, CA R EXPLORATORY CANDIDATES Ranking Name Party 5 Clinton , Hillary Rodham – Senator, New York D 5 Obama, Barack – Senator, Illinois D 3 Biden, Joe – Senator, Pennsylvania D 3 Richardson, Bill – Governor, New Mexico D 4 McCain, John - Senator, Arizona R 4 Romney, Mitt - Former Governor, Massachusetts R 2 Brownback, Sam – Senator, Kansas R 2 Gilmore, James S. - Former Governor. Virginia R 2 Gingrich, Newt - Former House Speaker, Georgia R 2 Giuliani, Rudy - Former NYC Mayor R 2 Paul, Ron – Congressman, Texas R 2 Rice, Condoleeza - Secretary of State R 2 Thompson, Tommy – Former Governor, Wisconsin R 1 Pataki, George – Former Governor, New York R . 1 Fuhgeddaboudit! - 10 Start Debating! Note: These rankings have nothing to do with official polls or rankings. They are mine and mine alone.

That’s all for this week, my friends. God speed and safe home for ALL troops!

Washington, District of Camelot? King George calling for bipartisanship is like a captured brigand calling for plank abolishment, but yet there he was, the sandlot bully, urging the new kids in town to play nice.

And Speaking of Camelot – Robert Goulet, who famously sang the role of Lancelot on Broadway opposite Richard Burton’s King Arthur and Julie Andrews’s Guenevere, will sing the praises of Emerald Nuts in a $2.6 million thirty-second spot during Super Bowl XLI. Singing a nut’s virtue hardly seems a fitting task for the best ‘C’est moi’ declarer of them all.

Score Card – Progress Iraq: 3,006 American troop casualties, 22,057 American troops wounded. Bush names new top Iraq commander and others who favor a troop surge in Baghdad and banishing to cushy desk jobs and ongoing big bucks those who don’t, all in advance of his loooong awaited Iraq policy. If Bush’s policy is anything other than an immediate and full withdrawal (and with air and sea maneuvers anticipating a new ground thrust already underway, only a fool would so opine), it is yet another betrayal of we, the mushrooms.

More Shifting Sands: John Negroponte to Rice’s deputy at State, Mike McConnell replaces Negroponte as Director of National Intelligence. Conclusion: giant icebergs can’t be seen from executive deck chairs.

Give Me A P! Nancy Pelosi was sworn in as the first woman Speaker of the House—and third in line to the throne—as the 110th Congress began its proscribed two-year term January 4, 2007. Like everyone else, except a few dour Republicans and conservative Democrats and misogynists, I cheered for a full minute then began to wonder how many of our newly elected representatives will end up lying and cheating and stealing their way into jail and disgrace. Please God, forgive me my daily skepticism and deliver them from evil. Amen. P. S. We have to find a term of address other than Gentlewoman from California. How about Gracious Lady from California?

Not Fruit Flies: But Gadflies, those buzzing little buggers that corporate executives have been swatting at for years, and it seems they’re finally getting their due; directors are beginning to listen, let’s hope they hear.

@%#&*@%#&! Or in Eli Lilly’s terms, Zyprexa, its bipolar and schizophrenia drug that gave a lot of users diabetes and other health problems. So far, Lilly has paid $1.2 billion to 28,500 injured users; 1,200 suits remain.

Not So Corny! According to Renewable Fuels Association, as of 12/29/2006 there were 110 U.S. ethanol biorefineries producing 5 billion gallons of fuel with another 73 under construction and 8 expansions that combined will produce 6 billion gallons more, or about a one month supply for the current appetites of America’s motor vehicles. And just how much corn will it take to feed these refineries? According to some estimates, 139 million tons, or over half of 2008’s expected 11 billion bushel harvest; expect to pay a lot more for all those prized ears sloshed with butter.

No Surprise Here. Two major law firms, New York’s Dewey Ballantine and San Francisco’s Orrick, Herrington & Sutcliffe, called off their merger citing irreconcilable differences or some such excuse. My guess: too many lawyers.

2008 Presidential Election Handicap * DECLARED CANDIDATES Ranking Name Party 3 Edwards, John – Former Senator, North Carolina, and VP candidate– declared 12/27/06 in New Orleans, LA D 2 Kucinich, Dennis John - Democratic member of the U. S. House of Representatives – declared 12/12/06 in Cleveland, OH D 2 Vilsack, Tom – Governor, Iowa – declared 11/30/06 in Mount Pleasant, IA D 2 Hunter, Duncan - Republican member of the U. S. House of Representatives – declared 10/30/06 in San Diego, CA R UNDECLARED CANDIDATES Ranking Name Party 6 Obama, Barack – Senator, Illinois D 5 Clinton , Hillary Rodham – Senator, New York D 3 Biden, Joe – Senator, Pennsylvania D 3 Richardson, Bill – Governor, New Mexico D 4 McCain, John - Senator, Arizona R 4 Romney, Mitt - Former Governor, Massachusetts R 2 Brownback, Sam – Senator, Kansas R 2 Gingrich, Newt - Former House Speaker, Georgia R 2 Giuliani, Rudy - Former NYC Mayor R 2 Rice, Condoleeza - Secretary of State R 2 Thompson, Tommy – Former Governor, Wisconsin R 1 Pataki, George – Governor, New York R . 1 Delusional - 10 Yes! Yes! Yes! Note: These rankings have nothing to do with official polls or rankings. They are mine and mine alone.

That’s all for this week, my friends. Keep the fath!

Decency Dealt a Blow: Gerald Rudolph Ford, July 14, 1913 - December 26, 2006. When he took the oath of office on August 9, 1974, he declared, “This is an hour of history that troubles our minds and hurts our hearts." Upon your death, Mr. President, we say, “Amen, amen.”

Score Card – Progress Iraq: 0 As I write this piece, Saddam Hussein stands in the lengthening shadows of the gallows and the world stands transfixed by the ghoulish prospect. In death he gains martyrdom; in death he provokes renewed killing mania; there has to be a better answer. Meanwhile, Bush and company continue to ponder an Iraq strategy. Had they thought (to use the term loosely) this hard about going into Iraq, we wouldn’t be there now and we wouldn’t have been there then.

Hello Dolly! The US FDA has big T tentatively deemed cloned meat and milk from cloned cows, goats, and pigs (no sheep?) and their offspring safe to eat. Rest assured there will be a lot of yelling and agonizing and we may never see other than clone free products in our supermarkets and meat markets, but measuring how a cloned animal is produced against one produced out in the barnyard, I’d opt for cloned products in a lab minute.

Trans Fat. No, not the blood-stopping gunk used in French fries and other formerly delicious junk food, but Transfer Fat, the kind used to lure chief executives and other high-ranking officers to corporations. In the biz, it’s known euphemistically as a golden hello (a nice balance to the golden parachute that protects executives being ‘forced out,’ another euphemism, this one for ‘axed’), and believe me, these hellos are truly golden, running to tens of millions. They’ve been designed to shield corporate hopping executives from facing hardship as they move from palatial office to palatial office closing plants, shipping jobs offshore, and otherwise eliminating jobs of the working grunts who get what is known in the biz as the ‘shaft,’ an euphemism for screwed.

Toyota Thunderbird? In what has been described as a courtesy call, the new CEO at deeply troubled Ford met in Tokyo with Toyota’s Chairman as Toyota sits poised to become the world’s largest automobile company. Ten thousand kilometers is a long way just to say, “Konichiwa.”

SEC Sudoku? Three cheers for the SEC that has taken some perfectly unintelligible rules and regulations and turned them into an incomprehensible set of instructions. Now when you want to know how much the CEO of the company in which you have your hard-earned bucks invested, you don’t have a hope of finding out. Before, you could at least trick your mind into believing you might hire someone smart enough to figure it out. I wonder why simple disclosure and truth haven’t occurred to these overpaid bureaucrats and execs.

2008 Presidential Election Handicap * DECLARED CANDIDATES Ranking Name Party 3 Edwards, John – Former Senator, North Carolina, and VP candidate– declared 12/27/06 in New Orleans, LA D 2 Kucinich, Dennis John - Democratic member of the U. S. House of Representatives – declared 12/12/06 in Cleveland, OH D 2 Vilsack, Tom – Governor, Iowa – declared 11/30/06 in Mount Pleasant, IA D 2 Hunter, Duncan - Republican member of the U. S. House of Representatives – declared 10/30/06 in San Diego, CA R UNDECLARED CANDIDATES Ranking Name Party 6 Obama, Barack – Senator, Illinois D 5 Clinton , Hillary Rodham – Senator, New York D 3 Biden, Joe – Senator, Pennsylvania D 3 Richardson, Bill – Governor, New Mexico D 4 McCain, John - Senator, Arizona R 4 Romney, Mitt - Former Governor, Massachusetts R 2 Brownback, Sam – Senator, Kansas R 2 Gingrich, Newt - Former House Speaker, Georgia R 2 Giuliani, Rudy - Former NYC Mayor R 2 Rice, Condoleeza - Secretary of State R 2 Thompson, Tommy – Former Governor, Wisconsin R 1 Pataki, George – Governor, New York R 1 Delusional - 10 Yes! Yes! Yes! *Note: These rankings have nothing to do with official polls or rankings. They are mine and mine alone.

That’s all for this week, my friends. Happy 2007!